Day One
The last thing Sara wrote to me was at 12:01 AM tonight. I’ve sent her some texts but she’s ignoring me so I can only assume that one of us (her) has become strong enough to put their foot down with all the games and say “this is it, we’re done.” No more talking it out. No more trying to be civil adults. Just done. Nothing left to say, with so much still left unsaid. It’s a nagging feeling and a painful one at that but that’s all it will remain. Free will. I can’t force her to put up with me anymore. I guess that’s what I wanted all along but not what my heart wanted. To make more sense of that statement I’ll try to explain it this way…When you act and behave a certain way you have an agenda. My agenda was to get Sara out of my life and more importantly me out of hers. It’s not what I wanted but it’s what we needed. My mind, heart and soul want nothing more than to keep feeding this addiction we call love but I knew that if we stayed together next week/month we’d be at each other’s throats. It was part of the charm of our relationship but just hell while you were living it. So now we’re all alone. I told her that she could reach me anytime but she didn’t seem to want to do that. Some excuse about how she wanted to honor my wishes but my wishes were to just separate so we could give each other space. Not to never see each other again or talk.
Sara is strong with her convictions so i don’t suspect she will email or text or call me ever again and that breaks every part of my heart into a million pieces. I am a wreck. But because of my decision to segregate myself from her life I’ve now I may never see her again. She has been the most important person in my life for the last year and a half. It’s been a strange time but it was the most beautiful time. I couldn’t imagine my life without Sara but now I have to so that’s why I’m titling this blog Day One. Today is day one of a new life. A different look on the world. Certain things will be nicer and a lot of things will be lonely and sad but I have to have faith that things will work out.
So far Day One consists of me having sent some texts to Sara with no reply and I’m just listening to her blip page because it helps me connect with her, even if it’s a creepy internet way. I also tried to check her facebook to find that I’ve been blocked which is only fair since I blocked her too.
One of the problems I have in my life is that I don’t remember things very well so I plan on keeping this journal on an almost daily basis but at least on a weekly. It will help me get through this time and it helps to know that no one is reading it yet.
I thought I’d be strong enough to walk away from all of this but it hurts to know that there are so many things that we left unsaid and it’s just driving me crazy. I told her everything I wanted to tell her and all she did was hang up on me. The usual treatment from her. Not to tell me the problems but to have me guess. I’m horrible at guessing.
So for day one, I’m miserable. A wreck. I have hope for the future but right now all I can think about is the girl I’m so in love with and what she is doing and thinking. Once I stop crying I will turn my phone off so i don’t have to sit anxiously waiting a text. I’m pretty pathetic. This will go away. I know it will.
So after some cyber stalking I’m off to bed. I’ve taken a healthy dose of Xanax and we’ll see if I’m still breathing in the morning. Day one fucking sucks. Maybe it will look up later on today after work.
I don’t even feel like smoking pot so that’s a bad sign. I never remember anything anymore so I hope this journal helps me be able to go back and reference things. I need to have accurate accounts of my behaviors.
Tearfully yours,
Sina Amedson
