Finding myself in Lost Angeles

It’s weird how you think you’re out of the woods…or that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel but then you wake up after having some dreams and realize that maybe your mind played a few tricks on you.  The light isn’t close…not as close as once thought.  This will be more complicated than you thought it would be.  You underestimated something?  That’s strange.  You.  The guy who overthinks everything underthought this.

I’ve been up for less than an hour and I’ve read her blogs, looked at all of her pictures that I can, listened to her music and texted her.  What else can I do to send a thousand mixed messages?  Fuck!!!  Why does this have to be so hard???

I have been having weird dreams lately and strange feelings of random guilt.  I dreamt last night that she was going down on me and I couldn’t get hard to save my life.  I was embarrassed but she was nice and understanding.  It was a strange dream but it speaks volumes of what I value and the character of her.  I’m a selfish prick who wants selfish things even when they don’t have any real pay off for me and she’ll do them for me unabashedly and patiently.  She trusted me in every way.  I took her for granted.  The same thing I accused her of doing to me.

I went to the comedy club last night to get out of the house and got ditched by the 4 or 5 people that were supposed to come with me.  Typical LA shit.  So I went with a friend from work that just broke up with her fiance whom I promised it wasn’t a date but rather just a bunch of friends and now I’m picking her up by myself to go watch a vulgar comedy show and she’s conservative.  I sit next to her awkwardly because I didn’t want to think it was a date any more than she did and I think all the the whole experience did for either of us is just make it so we probably won’t hang out again.  She probably thinks I tricked her into a date or something and I feel more weird about it than she does.  I don’t want to go on a date right now.  I don’t even see girls like that right now.  We just talked about acting and comedy in the car and then just watched the comedy show awkwardly and then talked comedy and acting on the drive home.

We went dutch on everything at the comedy club which was nice for me since I’m broke as can be and so is she.  My tab still came out to be 25 bucks plus tip which broke the bank considering that could have been groceries.  I’ve spent 50 bucks this week that I don’t have.  This is a huge stress for me now.  I feel super guilty that I am still, after all of this, still not in control like I want to be.  I am trying to go out so I don’t sit in and dwell but I have two big problems right now…my emotions and my money.  And it seems I can’t find a healthy way to help one without hurting the other.  ugh!  NO MORE NEEDLESS SPENDING UNTIL I GET RENT AND SAG PAID FOR!!!!!!!!!

I’m lonely.  I’m scared.  I’m poor.  My heart hurts and it’s my own fault.  I need to be strong for both of our sake.  Even if i don’t feel like it.  I just don’t know when or if I’ll ever get over her.  I have so many things I need to be thinking about but she’s all i can think about.  Part of the reason I did all of this to us was because I felt like I needed to take my foot out of Utah so I could be fully focused on LA and my career and now I’m more pre-occupied than ever.  I’m singing her songs and remembering the memories I’d forgotten or taken for granted.  I’m so sad because I can’t figure out if what I’m doing is right or wrong.  I thought that it was.  I think I still think it is.  But I’m such a retard that I change my mind every other day and I don’t know if how I’m feeling now is how I really feel or if how I felt over the weekend is how I really feel.  Just like the astronauts on Apollo 13 I am now putting fate in the pilot’s seat and hoping that the powers that be will lead me to the right place.  I have to stay the course for both of our sanity.  I can’t keep yoyo’ing.  I will stand by my choice…with the hopes that the tides turn back into our favor.  I’m so lost.  I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with anyone either.  I want things to be like they used to be…except not with the girl she was but rather the girl she is.  I need a time machine.

I keep getting told by people that there are other people out there that might be better suited for me and better suited for her.  People that will make us happier.  That we need to leave ourselves open for those people to come into our lives.  I don’t doubt that there are better people for us but, in following the trend, I am selfish and I want what I want.  If your puppy gets hit by a car your parents go buy you another dog but even as a young child you know that this gesture is bullshit.  Living things aren’t replaceable.  All you can do is distract yourself as a coping mechanism from the pain you feel.  Filling the void…it seems that’s all we ever do.  How happy will I be when my void is filled with love for myself and strength…

I’m sitting all alone looking at pictures of you that I almost believe that they’re real.  I’ve been staring at them so long that the pictures are all I can feel…

I must be strong even when I don’t feel like I am or I can.